today i changed the name of my blog. it used to be "the universe as i see it."
now, i want a space to record my struggles, too.. so that later, if i ever read this again, i can remember, remember how i used to agonize over my work.
if only work were as easy as play.. but i guess it isn't even a matter of something being easy. it's more about pleasure-- naturally, if i'm having a lot of fun, i won't care if it's hard.
so i guess more than this being hard.. i just need to have fun with it. that must be the hard part.
then again.. if it were easy, then i think i'd be having a lot more fun.
my brain feels a little bit like spaghetti.
i remember when i was in college, i almost got a job working as a typist for a blind writer. i didn't get the job. but i remember what he told me: "you have to get all the bad writing out of your system before the good stuff comes out." those might not have been his exact words, but that was the point.
my ceramics professor said something similar... he had this box of mail he kept in his office. one day, he told me, "that's my box of rejection letters. if it's not full, it means i'm not working."
those bits of wisdom that they handed me so easily.. i wonder if they actually remember telling me those things. but i still remember that they said them, and they still make me feel better when i'm in the throes of battling with myself.
one thing, though.. now, no matter how much i sometimes can't stand myself, i still feel hope. it's the pilot light that never goes out, that i got when i became a jidoja. may i never forget that.
...............
sometimes i wonder, why do i put myself through so much torture?
nobody could ever have guessed.
i guess everybody has that.. their own, personal torture. ..right?
